Only i've been having fun lately and i don't feel like writing when i have fun. Then again writing is fun too, just different fun. This will all make sense at some point.
First of all i've been less stressed out lately, which is funnily enough because i'm going to the shrink less. Interacting with humans in real life is pure stress, especially if i depend on the person in any way. So the fact that i can't afford to see the doc as often as i used to, makes me happier. I mean that is the whole problem of being me. I'm perfectly fine alone. I'm happy. But all the things i feel my life is missing cause me horrendous amounts of stress. So i can be either happy and feel like i'm missing something, or be miserable while trying to fix that missing part, without any guarantee that it will work. I promised myself a while ago that i won't do that to me again. The one thing i want, the one thing i need to get back on the path to a normal human life, is a human i feel safe with. A human i trust, a human i love, but how do i find someone like that when i start shaking when buying groceries. I'm probably the worst example of damaged goods there is.
See i've been taking care of some wild kitties for most of the year. 1 adult and 4 babies. The adult has some big problems with humans, hey i can relate to that, so they are very shy. For most of the year i left out food for them and they'd get it when i'm gone. But slowly the started to trust me. I can sit next to the bowl now when they come out. The mother still won't come close but she warms up to me slowly too. I just have to be patient. And spend a metric ass-ton on cat-food. My grocery shopping is 60 % cat-food.
But anyway what i was trying to say with this, is that i didn't force the cats to get used to me. I gave them time, i gave them space. I waited for them to trust me in their own time. That's what i need for somebody to do with me. But who would do that. My family says they love me, but they never showed even a sliver of understanding. Every time i needed them i was left alone. But every time they wanted something from me i had to jump. That's not love.
I'm lonely, well i got my kitties now and that makes it a lot better but still i long for the connection humans seem to have with each other. I don't have that. I feel connected to our family dog, who i haven't seen in half a year and who might die very soon. He's the only member of my family i care about. He's the only being on the planet i still love.The kitties are fwends. There's a few humans i'd call friends, most of them are only online-friends, because online i can interact almost like a real boy. The real-life friends i have are good friends, but i don't feel any connection to them. I feel weird and awkward. It's less stressful than strangers but still it is light-years away from a normal human relationship.
I still can't order anything online without getting stressed about missing the postman. I can't buy food without starting to sweat and shake. I don't sleep more than 4 hours the day before an appointment. My shrink says i need a therapy that trains me to deal with humans and i agree. But i can't handle it. All my life i wanted to be left alone. Now i'm alone and i feel good for the first time. What reason do i have to change that if there is no one wanting to be with me. Yes i want to be in love with somebody but no one wants to be in love with me because nobody knows i even exist. I could be a great human being but i'll never be because there is no one who'll ever invest the energy into me i've been missing every day of my life. I've never felt welcome in the human world, so i'll not go there unless someone asks me to.
Ok this still doesn't make real sense but at least i don't have any unimportant stuff left to worry about. As i said at the beginning i'm having fun, and that's enough for now.
Posted by: |