Gaspode The Dog's blog

ABC

Fact A:  Approaching humans on my own is the hardest thing in the world for me.

Fact B: The Number of humans i feel comfortable with has shrunk to  0.

Fact C: Expecting me to fix A or B without any help is just silly.

Fact D: The reason i don't trust humans is because i can't trust them.

Fact E: Getting mad at me for being sick doesn't help.

Fact F: It's hard to motivate yourself to do something if all it can do is making it a little less hard to               do it next time.

Fact G: Asking me to do the impossible every single day while barely doing the easiest tasks              possible makes me angry.

Fact H: I could probably keep going until i run out of letters, but why bother, i don't care and             nobody else does either.

32

"Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all, the needle returns to the start of the song and we all sing along like before, and we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow."

I think i'll get a bit drunk now, brb.

Ok, mission accomplished.

Not feeling any more talkative though. Then again i'm too eloquent to be drunk enough. Hold on.

Ok apparently i do productive stuff now when drunk. Just sent the first e-mail to get the kittens fixed.

Well i feel a whole lot of nothing right now, so i'll talk to you when i feel something again.

I am turning 100000 in less than 24 hours.

That's 32 if you're wondering.

Last year i was thinking that 32 is more significant than 30 as it's a new digit in binary.
Now i'm thinking that it's all crap and nothing really matters. I still am just waiting to die, i just do stuff while waiting. But there is nothing i plan for besides death. All the things i regret are parts of the one big regret i have and that's having been born. Well there's one other thing, but that hasn't been mine to choose. And maybe that's not to late anyway.

So i lived another year. Didn't do anything special, but then nobody did, unless somebody invented warp-drive and nobody told me.

So i guess i'll keep waiting until something happens. If it's painful i'll deal with it and if it's fun i'll have fun.

I'll might make you that flowchart i've been thinking about and/or write down the new crappy tv-show idea i had which is not really new, just thought of a way that works for more than one season.

And hey, maybe people surprise me positively this year. I don't think it will happen and i'm rarely wrong on that point but hey, would be nice if for just a day my fear would really be irrational for a change.

Oh and for anyone that gets disturbed by these words:

"It's my party and i cry if i want to."

See you tomorrow.

On the other hand

If we assume that it's in no way her fault because she is sick and her sickness controlled her actions, then it's all my fault. Because i tried to overcome my sickness. I did everything that was asked of me even though it hurt and had no benefit for me. I tried to do the right thing. Because they asked me to.

As i always did.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Giving up would have been the only sane thing to do.

I am still mad as hell.

So i've been told news about the destroyer of lives and it left me angry as hell. Punch in walls angry. Which honestly i don't completely understand myself. So they found out what's wrong with her and she's getting the help she needs to deal with her problems. Which is good, for her.

It just doesn't help me in any way or form. I think that might be the problem. Yes i was sick before i met her, yes finding out what exactly is wrong with me would have been stressful no matter what.

It's just that i trusted her and that was the one mistake i made. And for somebody who has not trusted a single human being in his whole life, being betrayed by the one person i ended up trusting was not good for my psyche.

Yes it happened because she was sick too. Only she didn't believe it back then, she didn't want to know what's wrong with her, she got mad at me when i talked about anything related to it. She made me believe that everything would be fine if i just did my best. I just had to try.

And then she changed her mind, which seems to be a symptom. She just decided that anything that happened in the last 2 years didn't count and that i could go fuck myself. So i spent almost a full year sick in bed or in a clinic and another 6 months just trying to survive on my own which incurred a 3000€ debt, and the years after that slowly realizing how truly fucked i am and slowly getting back to where i was before i met her. I'm still not there yet.

And the fact that it was because she was sick just makes it worse. I knew she was sick, we both did. She just didn't care. I have no clue what happened now, what made her try to find out what is wrong with her. But it probably wasn't the fact that she ruined somebody else's life. Because she doesn't give a shit about that, oh and yes i know it's because she is sick. The question is just how much pain am i supposed to suffer just because she just didn't want to know.

I still see my life as basically over. I don't care about my future or shit like that. All i care about is am i in pain? Am i scared shit-less? Am i awake for 48 hours because i have to do something that scares me?

No?

Ok then continue.

All i want from life is to never have to go back to the place i was in when she changed her mind.

She could have helped me back then but she didn't care.

She was the best qualified to do so but she didn't care.

She was the sole reason i got into that mess but she didn't care.

Yes it's because she is sick but when the medical condition is "being a self-centered bitch" it's kind of hard to see her side. Seeing her side is what fucked me up.

Thinking about her all i feel is hate. And just telling me the medical terms for facts i already knew or suspected and expecting me to react with anything else than hate just fuels my hatred.

Still don't understand cats

Also i'm trying to see what i write when my sleep-meds have already kicked in so this will be brief and possibly weird.

Blacky peed into my bed thrice. The weirdest part is that i was watching him twice and he was watching me. I didn't know cats would pee while sitting and pee themselves doing it. Also im not 100% sure if he just thought my bed would be a nice place to pee in, or if he was trying to tell me something. Well i won't allow him on my bed for a while and close the bedroom door if i have to go out.

Had a dental emergency last week, that was fun. If you're into pain that is, which i'm not. I could get used to the pain-meds of the dentist though. Also extreme pain counteracts my sleep-meds completely. Also not fun.

Then Desertbus happened and now i'm missing the people talking to me through the Internet again.

Oh and i'm broke, actually completely broke. Had to replace parts of my PC which is expensive.

Ok sleep-meds make my thoughts extremely dull and slow.

I'm scared shitless of a few things but as i can't do anything about that i'm just going to ignore them and take something against the headaches i'll get from that. I'm still doing something wrong. All direct human contact i have makes me wanna be alone more. The only positive outcome of human contact lies so far beyond what i'm able to do that i just don't see how i can get there. There probably are a few things in between i just don't remember them. I do know how much i enjoyed the rare evenings i spent at a friends 'private' party but i honestly have no idea how to get there from 'i don't know anybody i have anything in common with nearby' and 'all the people i do know and like live to far away and i haven't dealt with them in such a long time that trying to get them to invite me is just madness'.Well actually starting any human contact on my own is madness. And the only human contact i'm offered is the one i don't want. I don't understand humans, but then again they rarely understand me.

Maybe i have more luck with cats.

Kittens!

So the kittens have started coming inside to visit me. Well mostly they come to tell me that they want food but some of them sneak around or just hang out because it's cold outside. Also they now come running when i grab food for them, previously they stayed away until they were certain that there was food and i wasn't going to chase them, but now they only require a small safezone between us. Well except 'Baby' but that's probably my fault, Clearly i needed the lesson in 'No touching means no touching' but the scratches are healing quite nicely.

As a dog person i'm still very confused by the way cats and humans seem to interact. It makes no sense, or well it makes total sense if i forget anything i know about dogs. Dogs interact with humans on a social level even if they don't know each other. I can't get that with cats. I'm not quite sure how to say it better. Well maybe the cats will teach me once i accepted them as my true overlords. Can't be worse than what the destroyer of lives did to me.

I really should go back to writing stuff here

Only i've been having fun lately and i don't feel like writing when i have fun. Then again writing is fun too, just different fun. This will all make sense at some point.

First of all i've been less stressed out lately, which is funnily enough because i'm going to the shrink less. Interacting with humans in real life is pure stress, especially if i depend on the person in any way. So the fact that i can't afford to see the doc as often as i used to, makes me happier.  I mean that is the whole problem of being me. I'm perfectly fine alone. I'm happy. But all the things i feel my life is missing cause me horrendous amounts of stress. So i can be either happy and feel like i'm missing something, or be miserable while trying to fix that missing part, without any guarantee that it will work. I promised myself a while ago that i won't do that to me again. The one thing i want, the one thing i need to get back on the path to a normal human life, is a human i feel safe with. A human i trust, a human i love, but how do i find someone like that when i start shaking when buying groceries. I'm probably the worst example of damaged goods there is.

See i've been taking care of some wild kitties for most of the year. 1 adult and 4 babies. The adult has some big problems with humans, hey i can relate to that, so they are very shy. For most of the year i left out food for them and they'd get it when i'm gone. But slowly the started to trust me. I can sit next to the bowl now when they come out. The mother still won't come close but she warms up to me slowly too. I just have to be patient. And spend a metric ass-ton on cat-food. My grocery shopping is 60 % cat-food.

But anyway what i was trying to say with this, is that i didn't force the cats to get used to me. I gave them time, i gave them space. I waited for them to trust me in their own time. That's what i need for somebody to do with me. But who would do that. My family says they love me, but they never showed even a sliver of understanding. Every time i needed them i was left alone. But every time they wanted something from me i had to jump. That's not love.

I'm lonely, well i got my kitties now and that makes it a lot better but still i long for the connection humans seem to have with each other. I don't have that. I feel connected to our family dog, who i haven't seen in half a year and who might die very soon. He's the only member of my family i care about. He's the only being on the planet i still love.The kitties are fwends. There's a few humans i'd call friends, most of them are only online-friends, because online i can interact almost like a real boy. The real-life friends i have are good friends, but i don't feel any connection to them. I feel weird and awkward. It's less stressful than strangers but still it is light-years away from a normal human relationship.

I still can't order anything online without getting stressed about missing the postman. I can't buy food without starting to sweat and shake. I don't sleep more than 4 hours the day before an appointment. My shrink says i need a therapy that trains me to deal with humans and i agree. But i can't handle it. All my life i wanted to be left alone. Now i'm alone and i feel good for the first time. What reason do i have to change that if there is no one wanting to be with me. Yes i want to be in love with somebody but no one wants to be in love with me because nobody knows i even exist. I could be a great human being but i'll never be because there is no one who'll ever invest the energy into me i've been missing every day of my life. I've never felt welcome in the human world, so i'll not go there unless someone asks me to.

 

Ok this still doesn't make real sense but at least i don't have any unimportant stuff left to worry about. As i said at the beginning i'm having fun, and that's enough for now.

So then stuff happened

Yeah i know i haven't written anything in a while but then again there's nobody reading this so apart from me not being aware of every single detail of my life that is stressing me out, it really isn't a problem. And sometimes i don't need to know what is stressing me exactly. Sometimes it is just better to deal with the pain until it stops because i can't do anything else.

But yeah so i'm here now and i might have another 15 minutes before my medicine kicks in fully, so what has happened.

Well first i semi-adopted a cat and her 4 little kittens she had in my storage area. Now she moved them shortly after i found them so they might not be alive anymore but i leave out cat food for the old one, so if she still has them she got enough food. I hope some day one of the little one comes to visit me and i will keep feeding any of them for the foreseeable future. Now the old one hasn't even come close enough to touch her as she is very very shy but in cat terms i  think i can consider her as at least partly 'my' cat. I mean our relationship already surpasses the human ones i have.

I am a dog person, as i don't see much point in cats, but it is nice to have somebody visit you from time to  time even if it is just to remind you that they eated all the food and can haz moar?

Also i started playing WoW again and i seem to be able to reconnect with the people i played with before i left. I also still get stressed out by any social aspect the game has, which was the reason i left but i hope this gets better once i've established myself a bit more. And if that doesn't happen maybe i'll learn to fly instead.

Ok meds kicking in. G'night.

the pursuit of happiness

Lately i had this idea in my head, which started back when i wrote the capitalism thing and i feel like it's a very interesting idea but i can't form it completely so that you would understand. But i'll try.

One of the negative things people say about games is 'instant gratification' which means that you get a reward instantly without having to wait for it. But the thing is that is the only mechanism that really works. If you can't link your actions to the reward you get on a subconscious level it doesn't train your 'lizard-brain'. That's why the dentist is scary, you always only get pain from going there and the pain you get when you don't go isn't connected to anything. It just happens. The 'just happens' aspect is why we get religion. We don't like 'just happens' we want a connection between things so we can quantify them in our head. Everything we can't control gets assigned a deity so someone is in control. We might only fool ourselves to think we have any influence on this 'deity' but to our minds that's far better than knowing that one human has hardly any effect on anything. Sure as collective we can change things but the individual has hardly any impact.

So it's in all aspects of our lives we see this instant gratification part, well not always 100% instant but always in a way the primitive part of our minds can understand. So the question i have been asking myself is:

Is it maybe better to move some of it into games instead of fucking up the real world by always only thinking about getting, getting getting.

See i'm good at a lot of video games. I get my satisfaction through them. I achieved things that not even too many of the people playing the games have achieved. Sure there are people better than me but i honestly don't care about them as we're rarely in competition as the rewards are only virtual. In video-games everybody can get the reward for their 'work', in Real Life you can do everything right and loose anyway. It's not just video-games, all games can satisfy you and let you feel like you achieved something. But most people get their satisfaction through work. Which is a very rigged game. Honestly i can't comprehend how anybody would do this to themselves. It is one of the things about normal humans i don't understand. People at the top seem to be getting rewards no matter what they do, because they are the ones deciding who gets rewarded. And people at the bottom get screwed whenever it pleases their 'overlord'. Our society has grown to complex for normal gratification mechanisms. Everything is connected. Of all the people that lost their jobs these past years, how many were actually responsible for being fired. We actually based our happiness on something that we can't control. We created this new god and are miserable because of it.

Now if we move this reward-system our minds need away from things we can't control. We already idolize people for being good at stupid sports. Why can't we look up to people playing stupid video-games? They are far better suited to satisfy us than the real world. They are completely fair as everybody starts on the same terms. Sure there are instances were you can buy the 'uber-item' with real world money but you still have to learn how to use it. The edge your money might give you is far smaller. The resources you're competing for aren't finite. There is no need for conflict as nobody looses anything. Sure there is conflict, because we're human but it doesn't hurt as much as in the real world.

In the real world chance has a gigantic influence over who succeds and who fails. But we don't see that chance. We only see the product. We celebrate people for nothing really. So why not celebrate nothing for nothings sake. Move our culture away from the highscore measured in $ or €  and put it were it belongs into the games of our time. So we don't have to fuck over each other just so we can be 'winning'.