Gaspode The Dog's blog

About fear (random thoughts)

My anxiety disorder is for the most part irrational.  Most people out there don't want to hurt me.

Actually nobody wants to hurt me, it's not their intention, not the purpose of their actions. They only hurt others because they only care about themselves. Anybody else doesn't matter. Any little benefit for them validates inflicting hell on anybody else.

Now most of the time they don't hurt other people because it won't get them a benefit. Mostly because there are repercussions from society or the law.

But i don't want to spend life with people who only don't hurt me because it would end badly for them. That is actually the core of my disorder. My brother hit me because he got in trouble when he hurt other kids. My parents never believed me, but other parents listened to their kids.

 

Is my fear irrational?

YES it is in most cases.

But in any case that mattered it wasn't.

My fear predicted most of what happened to me since i knew what was wrong with me. It only missed the point that I couldn't have changed how other people acted in any way. I thought that if i was nice to people they'd be good to me. But people are like they are. If i'd gone by their actions and not what they told me i'd have been better off. My brother stopped hurting me when i was able to fight back. Before that i could have been as nice as an angel it didn't matter. Only when it hurt him he stopped. TDOL was nice to me as long as i was of use. Once that went away i got kicked out to the curb. If i hadn't tried to help none of this would have happened.

Every time i didn't listen to my fears i got hurt. That'S how i got those fears in the first place. When i do what my fears tell me i'M fine. I'M actually happy. I don'T get hurt.

 

My social 'circuits' are broken. I don't feel anything good around people. I'm scared around people. Sure i might be attracted to a girl, but i can't do anything about it in public so it doesn't matter. So i don't want anything from humans. The fear i experience around them outweighs any benefit there is. I understand that it'S normal for people to live together without any meaningful interaction whatsoever. Which i can't do. Because i can'T ignore people. I have to be aware of them or they kill me.- well that's what goes through my head at least.

So i gain nothing from being around people. And the moment i stop being useful to people they might hurt me. So i can either do whatever they want me to do or get punished.

Remind me why i should want to be with people?

Potential

People always tell me, how much better my life could be if i just worked harder, and if i faced my fears (again) i could use my full potential.

The thing is just,

I DON'T WANT TO.

For the first time in my life i'm actually happy with it. I like it. I don't feel like i'm wanting more.

Sure i'm in no way affecting the world in any meaningful sense. But hardly anyone is.

Yes i could help fixing the problems humanity has, or make them worse, or do anything really. There is just no reason to do any of that. For one thing people don't really want to fix problems, they just want to feel better and because making the changes that would actually help wouldn't make them feel better and also get rid of a perfectly good problem they can complain about.

I know every human has the potential to be worse than 'Emperor Palpatine' or better than 'Batman'. As a matter of fact, my main problem with people is that i know how much pain they can cause simply because it's so easy for them. And i use fictional people for that because 'real people' just don't make good archetypes. But hardly any one uses that potential. Because they don't need to. Because they're perfectly happy with their life as it is. Sure there are millions of people needlessly dying all over the place, but people die, it's one of the few things they all do. Yes we could fix some of the problems but in the end they still die.

So i don't use my potential to try to go out into the world and interact with people because all i ever got from that was pain. And i really like not being a nervous wreck. But why should i? I don't think anything you do is important to anyone but you. So stop complaining that i'm doing what i want to do and not what you think i should be doing, because

1. You're probably wrong and

B. It really doesn't matter to anyone but me, and i prefer my life as it is.

The LFR in WoW shows that there is no hope for humanity

I mean seriously, what the hell. IT has been out for months now and still people produce the same derpy crap that they did on day one. Only now they got gear pushed so far up their asses that it's almost impossible to wipe. Unless it's a mechanic that wipes you no matter what if not enough people pay attention. Which the last fight has. The fight that takes 10 minutes to get to that point. Ten boring minutes.

And that's not even the worst of it.

People complain about everything. Healing is too low (with 60% overheal) Damage is too low. THat guy is afk. No the other guy is afk. You suck, no you suck. Can i have that item you just got? You don'T really need it. GIMME GIMME GIMME. WAAAAAAH.

I'm pretty sure i could train dogs to do most of those fights, but dogs don't have the ego of a dramaqueen.

Thoughts i can't quite put into words without it sounding weird.

Hate is probably a too strong word but, anyways.

People hate me for adapting my life to what has been done to me.

I hate people for never changing what they do to others.

I hurt no one but myself, but only so i don't get hurt by others anymore.

Others hurt those around them simply because it's easier.

Still i am the abnormal one as i choose to avoid conflict instead of making others suffer.

I'm not forcing you to see things the way i do, so why do you expect me to see them the way you do.

Why do you hate me because i don't?

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I  am alone now.

Truly alone.

Still i don't feel alone. I regularly talk to people.

Sure it's only on the interwebs but i went without talking to anyone at all for months before.

Back when i lived with people. Back when i was with somebody.

Back when i felt truly alone.

------------------------------------

You want to help me,

so you tell me what i should do.

Then you leave.

What you told me only makes me worse again.

But you don't know as you've left already.

Then you come back, seeing me worse than before.

You tell me what to do and leave again.

So why should i listen to you again?

How about WE do something i want to do that helps me.

Oh you're busy. You don't actually want to work to help me.

So you want to help me and all it does is make me feel alone again.

Alone and uncared for.

Just how i felt all my life.

Just what gave me these issues in the first place.

I don't need you to tell me what i should be doing.

I need you to make me feel ok whatever i'm doing.

Because i'm always a little scared.

Because i was always alone.

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Wow that made me tear up, so i probably hit something deep inside me there. Shame it won't do anything.

This shouldn't be a thing.

But apparently bringing living mice inside and then playing with them until they stop moving is all the rage with kittens. It happened 3 times in 2 days and only stopped when i took away the last mouse and let it out the little window the kittens can't follow through. I doubt it will ever be a happy mouse even if it survives but atleast it won't bleed out on my floor again. I get that kittens do that to learn hunting but they don't have to do it right infront of my eyes. Also giving me the 'i thought you were cool'-look has less effect on me from somebody who just wants to punch mice.

There's blood on the floor.

It's mouse blood, blood from a mouse, so it's not much but enough to kill the mouse. Well technically the kitten killed the mouse but saying 'died while an adorable kitteh played with it' sounds wrong. I actually watched the kitten for 5 minutes before i realized that it had a mouse under the blanket and was playing with it. After 5 more minutes i took the blanket away to see how dead the mouse was. Well it didn't move so the kitten grabbed it and ran outside as i was obviously spoiling it's fun. Now i don't know if the mouse was stupid enough to come in here on it'S own or if the kitten brought her in because it was getting dark outside. Then again i still don't understand why the kittens do anything. Well i do understand why it killed the mouse, that one is easy. But otherwise nothing. Then again i don't understand why humans do what they do either so i'm not as smart as i thought i am. Ok that is a lie. But still....

There is blood on the floor,

and that i understand quite well.

Dreams

So i've been noticing something weird happening in my dreams, which could even be alarming if i gave a shit. While dreaming i remember old dreams and my brain constructs some sort of dream-reality which fits my dreams together. That plus the fact that i can steer them a little makes them confusing as i conjure up events that i always wanted to happen but which never did. So in the morning while waking up i'm always disappointed when i realize that none of that actually happened. The really sad part is that i always try to think of ways to make these things happen but it never works. I no longer know the people i want to connect with. Also i'm incapable of reconnecting with anyone. Most of them have moved on with their lives and probably didn't even know that i was a part of it at some point. Even if i managed to start a relationship i'm the wrong age. My body feels to old and my mind is still too young. In my dreams i'm finally ready to be a teenager but in reality i'm the creepy old dude who wishes for one more day with the woman he could never have. I even think that some girls liked me back then. Some girls might even like me now, but i have no way of finding that out. Even if i went out and met someone, my brain shuts down around people and i'd never find out anything.

 

Grr stupid, stupid, stupid.

All the things people tell me i should get better for don't interest me a bit and the one thing i want, that someone likes me for who i am and not for what i might become some day, nobody can help me with.

 

Oh and my sister had a mental breakdown. So we're 3 for 3, me and my siblings. That's something, isn't it?

Kittens are fine, i'm tired.

So everything went ok at the doctor. Catching them was a bit hard and dealing with them afterwards is exhausting but that's ok. Still need to catch the mother-cat at some point but i can't let the kittens outside yet, and the mom won't show up without them being there. They slowly adjust to the fact that they can't go outside and almost treat me like i'm not Hitler already. They still get moody sometimes but that's ok. Now if only i'd manage to sleep more than 4 hours i'd be great. Im not even sure if it's the kittens waking me up or if i'm just so nervous about shit that i can't sleep. I'm guessing both.

Kittens have a doctors appointment!

So Project 'Prevent Infinite Kittens' is a go.

Got to bring them to the doctor Monday afternoon and they get 'fixed' on Tuesday. So now i only need to get them to behave and not be Kittens. So Plan B is to lock them inside when they get food some time So-Mo and then grab all the protective clothing i have to get them into the transport boxes on Monday. Still no idea how to deal with the mother as she only shows up once in 3 days and not at all if she finds food for herself. Well i'm pretty sure that i can catch her at some point, just have to see how that will work out.

And then it's one week of not letting them outside to stop them from getting sick, so that will be fun.

Kitten

Kitten sleeping on my bed

Kitten running through my head

Kitten playing with a ball

Kitten gotta explore it all

Kitten stealing my old socks

Kitten knocks over  sleeping box

Kitten vanishing from sight

Kitten being a delight

Kitten begging for good noms

Shh be quiet here it comes

Kitten lurking near and far

Undetectable by radar

Kitten drinking her cat milk

Fur is more soft than is silk

Kitten making lots of noise

Without using its own voice

Kitten's my friend so i'm glad

That three more her mother had.